I gaslighted myself. You're probably wondering if there is such a thing as self-gaslighting. Living in an altered reality caused me to gaslight myself unknowingly. I was a kid. I didn't even understand the truth of what I did until now.
Self-gaslighting happens as a result of internalized doubt and a critical external voice so far-reaching that you begin to question your own reality and dismiss your emotion.
Self-gaslighting commonly involves suppressing and invalidating your thoughts and emotions.
So this all started when I was a kid. After my father remarried, another set of kids was in the picture. The woman he married had six children of her own. Neither family got to know each other before we were thrown into a relationship. We did not know them, and they did not know us. I did know that I lived in a house full of testosterone and was happy to have more estrogen in the house.
Girls, yay!!! However, my happiness turned to sadness quickly. Turns out, having more girls in the house meant more drama, something I was not used to. I quickly learned there was an unbreakable bond between the girls, and I wanted in. I wanted that connection, love, and acceptance too. Of course, I had that with my brothers, but now I had sisters, so I also wanted it with them.
Didn't happen. I was rejected from the start. So I unknowingly created an altered reality. I was a kid who just wanted to be loved and accepted. Hard to explain, but, in my mind, I kind of knew I wasn't considered (accepted), but because it wasn't spoken, I made myself believe that the rejection was not real.
The best way to explain my altered reality is that one of the sisters was often invited to a cousin's house. I wasn't. Because I wanted to be included, I had to ask/invite myself. Almost every time the sister was invited to the cousin's house, I had to ask permission. Instead of accepting that if they wanted me there, they would've invited me too, I tricked myself into believing they also wanted me there. Why? Because they always said yes when I asked. I did not realize until I was an adult that this is a form of rejection.
My need for acceptance also caused me to live in an altered reality with others. If I meet someone and we seem to hit it off, I think we are cool, and I treat them like we are friends when that is not the case, and I place unrealistic and unknown expectations on that person.
Less I make things more complicated to understand; I will end with this: Ephesians 1:4-5 Even before he made the world, God loved us and chose us in Christ to be holy and without fault in his eyes. God decided in advance to adopt us into his own family by bringing us to himself through Jesus Christ. This is what he wanted to do, and it gave him great pleasure.
I am still on my healing journey, and God is revealing small pieces of the puzzle one bit at a time, and I am so grateful for that. Man may not accept me, but God accepts and loves me. I was chosen before I was birthed into this earth. Now I have to walk in that liberty.
Chose and Accepted
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